21 Lies My Anxiety Has Told Me

Because To Not Do The Thing Just Feels Worse

Researching for an interview always turns up interesting turns of phrases or tiny ‘gems’ around human interactions. Right now I’m researching the back story of a writer who has a tendency to write about the extremity in human beings - such as going undercover with white supremicists, looking at cancel culture or the dark side of the porn industry. In a recent interview they disclosed an anxiety diagnosis, which anyone would assume is at odds with what they do. Not going ‘the thing’ feels worse they said, which really resonated with me. The world suddenly made a lot more sense in a single sentence.

Last year I was diagnosed with severe anxiety - as well as Depression - related to a host of essentially environmental ‘events’ that had gone on, including a quite scary event involving a man on a train who took a fancy owing to me using a cane. It’s not about being liked, it’s not about something frivolous - it’s not borne as a reaction to privileged circumstance. It’s also not something to just be shaken off; “Don’t be anxious!” has been the refrain too much. If I could stop being anxious, do you not think that would have happened a long time ago?

But working as a journalist is also ‘one of those’ professions where you come across work related events that sometimes seem a little bit out of the ordinary. A colleague who I miss very much texted me a month ago in that vein: ‘A dark sense of humour is essential in the fight against evil’. (Side note: I’d always wondered what their definition of that was.) It’s easy to forget that that warped way isn’t shared collectively - friends who aren’t a part of my job too often look alarmed or wary. But we need to laugh! Or we will cry!