Just A List Of My Favourite Micro-Aggressions
What I Want You To Know About Language
In the UK we think and speak and spend so much time on language - how the tenements of free speech and what that constitutes are still being fought over I don’t quite want to grapple with. It’s not a freedom to harass and intimidate, for example.
Along the way I haven’t seen a lot about the arbitrary expectations we place on ourselves - as in, how we must speak in a commonality - as well as how language can so often be weaponised against disabled individuals. If I had a pound for every time someone corrected my personal way of identifying, as it ostensibly was for them to decide for me, I’d be a rich woman.
It got me thinking about the series of prints I designed with Jenny from This Thing Called Recovery - this one was my favourite. (You can also buy them here.)
So. I hesitated in sending this - but I think we need to talk about micro aggressions around disability just that little bit more.
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See you next week!
‘Microaggression’ is something of a buzzword - and, just like the term gaslighting, it gets banded around and thrown about a lot, and without a lot of nuance attached to it. (I guess arguably both terms fit under this context? An aside for another day, maybe.)
If you Google the term Microaggression, this is the definition that comes up: “Microaggression is a term used for commonplace daily verbal, behavioral or environmental slights, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative attitudes toward stigmatized or culturally marginalized groups.”
Language is important - and I write that not just because of my day job. We spend a lot of time societally tying ourselves in knots - when the key thing is just to ask people what they mean, or what their preferred terms are, without having a presumptive edge over them, in dictating what is right and wrong, especially if you are not a part of that demographic. There’s a balance to be achieved with factual accuracy, while taking into account sources and personal wishes - but language can be used to deny agency and personhood. When it comes to disability and a clash of disability models, it is often a way in which depersonalising someone can happen - and that is not fun to experience.
I even had some photos taken last year for this reason - just to prove a point, really, that there is not a ‘look’ to disability.
And if there is not a clear way forward, go for the default. A quick Google will tell you that ‘Autistic person’ is generally preferred in the UK compared to ‘Person with Autism’ - there are multiple studies and accounts that support an overwhelming consensus. It’s not okay to ignore on the basis of ‘I see you as a person outside of, therefore I will call you this because I am uncomfortable…’
So. In the spirit of sharing, here are some of my favourites I have collected recently, especially since undergoing a multiplicity of Long Covid appointments and tests.
“Don’t get anxiety” or “don’t be anxious!”
Someone said this to me recently - and I have frankly not felt *that* angry in such a long time. If I could just stop feeling anxious - when they were acting as the direct trigger - then all the crazy s*** symptoms from having had Coronavirus wouldn’t have reared their ugly head. I had gone 72 hours symptom free. Flippant remarks will not just mean I suddenly snap back - and it somehow makes this something I can just control, as if I am being bratty or entitled.
“So you can just think your way out of this!”
10 out of 10 for originality on this one, would hear again.
This has roots in ‘hysteria’ - and how the myth of women have ailments that are all ‘just in their heads’ has impacted the medical profession from.. well, many years! (Note: if you haven’t already, do read Rebel Bodies by Sarah Graham. Here’s my interview with her.) Again, would this have been said to a guy? Guessing not.
Just thinking my way out of the Hell loop that has been created by illness and a trigger event would have meant the weird ailments I’ve contended with for 10 months would have been resolved.. well, 10 months ago. It is inherently offensive to suggest I can ‘just stop’ being in this state.
*Diagnoses me with yet another ailment*
Having come out of quarantine, I went back to work far too early - and that arguably had a hugely negative impact. Alongside this was the ostensibly empathetic response that came from just about everywhere - editors, friends, work collaborators, medical experts even strangers were diagnosing me and suggesting I be tested for just about every single ailment going. I lost count in the end: POTS, EDS, hEDS, Lung Damage, Vertigo Disorders, Migraines, Vision issues, Chronic Illnesses, MS, and so much more. ‘Medical curiosity’ was the last straw - along with ‘there could be something to do with her brain’…
It is not a form of empathy - it is actually quite a crappy thing to do and to say. It is depersonalising to work through hypotheticals, and to unload.
Added to that, multiple individuals would go away, and research - and come up with every possible label. Medication would be researched, even side effects and prognosis’ listed in front of me - often at the most extreme form of terror and a less than great future.
When, in reality, this was partly triggering what was going on and just carrying things on. In trying to ensure anything was ignored - the more you draw attention to ‘it’, the worse ‘it’ is' - I noticed how often the boundaries were being crossed.
Why can’t the response be ‘are you okay, would you like advice or for someone to listen to what you’re feeling?’ I would have liked ‘are you okay?’ And in more than just a flippant response type way - this was depersonalising and a verbal slight.
“Can’t you just…..?”
This one is not new to me - it was said a lot in connection with me being Autistic, virtually whenever I stated an access need. Travel is tricky - I have written about that before - and I require assistance.
It’s usually in 2 forms: ‘Can’t you just try doing….?’ Or the inane and very often long winded, with forced eye contact, explanation of what I should and should not be doing - great way to cause me discomfort, and to make me feel awful. I can tell you I have tried all the usual strategies and still come up with nothin’.
If I could just try, I would suddenly be non-disabled.
And it also points to a discomfort around difference - a flippant response to hold up a standard I would never reach.
Can’t we just actively listen and not impose on the space of other people?
My debut book is now almost 4 months old - and this is what people are saying about it.
“The Autism Friendly Cookbook is a striking manifesto on the importance of accessibility in cooking. With adaptations front and centre, this book from Lydia Wilkins is sure to become a kitchen staple.”
- Natasha Lipman, journalist and host of The Rest Room podcast:
“Cooking is one of the foundations of independent living. This charming, inviting book is designed to make this basic life-skill accessible to everyone. It's not just a collection of tantalizing recipes, it's a celebration of autistic community.”
- Steve Silberman, author of NeuroTribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity:
“A delightful guide full of important information for neurodivergent foodies - we've needed this for years!”
- Chloe Johnson, editor at Disability Review Magazine
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